Hangry Much?

The title says it all.
Unless you aren't familiar with the term/word "hangry". Hungry + Angry = Hangry. And now you understand the title.
At this point, I want to make a state a disclaimer: This blog isn't really meant for the whole world to read. It's kind of just for me to come  back to later on to see documentation of how everything is working during this two week experiment. Read on if you want, but you've been warned. There's a whole lot of raw honesty and 'me-talk' in here...
Anyways.
I hate being hungry...but only because of what it does to me. I actually enjoy the feeling of being hungry. I like having an empty stomach. But I get moody and tired and feel sick a lot of the time when I'm hungry. So I avoid it.
I didn't feel hungry today. I couldn't eat much, because suddenly everything seems to be made of milk or mold, and I think I was hungrier than I felt. I was overly tired from staying up late, too. So this morning was horrible. Absolutely rotten.
I almost snapped at a co-worker. He asked me to do something and I wanted to reason it out with him, tell him why I shouldn't be the one to do that. Instead, I responded by saying I could, but it might be the end of the day before I got to it. The response was ok, but my expression probably wasn't and my heart definitely wasn't.
I wasn't being loving; I was being selfish, worried about everything I had to do. It wasn't his fault I was busy. He had no idea what I had on my plate. And he probably had plenty on his own plate.
That's just an example of what my attitude was today. I struggled. I was grumpy and felt sick, but I didn't realize how sick I felt til my mom called.
She's been sick, and has bronchitis, and had texted to tell me she pulled a muscle in her back and was in a lot of pain. Of course I was worried about her, too. I answered when she called (they're really great and let us do that at work), but she didn't answer when I said hello. I only heard a lot of mumbling and painful moaning.
My mind started trying to figure out what was going on and jumped right to 'heart attack!' as I tried to get her to respond intelligibly. There was no answer, and then the call ended. I walked out of the office and called my dad, shakily asking him to go check on mom.
"Something's wrong! Just go see!"
"She's fine. All you can do is pray for her..."
That was not what I wanted to hear. Not when he was in the trailer (they're camping) and so was she and I could pray for her and know he'd checked on her.
"I need you to see her."
He finally went and checked on her, and explained that a friend was trying to massage away some of the pain, which was why she was whimpering (massages hurt her, but she still needed it), and she had accidentally called me.
I hung up from that call and felt like my strength was just about gone. I actually fell against the wall and slipped to the floor and began sobbing just outside the office door.
So much for wanting exciting or dramatic things to happen. No, I'll take boring over this any day.
So today in two words - sick and stressed. Blahhhhhhhh...
Well, there was more. I texted my Mom's friend, who is also my friend, and asked her to pray, and she called me and talked with me during my break and prayed with me. That made a big difference in my day.
As for the food, I tried to make do with what I could.  Here's what I ate (don't judge, I had very limited options to work with, and limited quantities of those options):
Breakfast:
1/2 small serving of pork (It was wrapped in bacon, but I had to pull that off, because bacon might be smoked, which encourages mold. Whp'd'a thunk it.)
1/4 Avacado
1/2 Sweet Potato
Almond Milk
Snack:
1 Apple
Carrots
Lunch:
Lettuce
Tomato
1/4 Avacado
1/2 serving pork
Snack:
1/2 Sweet Potato
Dinner:
1 Serving Pork (yes, pork is all I have here at the house right now. Not my normal fare.)
1/2 Sweet Potato
A bit of raw Coconut oil on my Sweet Potato
Then I went to church. Then I marched myself to the grocery store and bought myself some Almond Butter. Protein!!!
I came home and cooked some rice. Then I had a snack:
1 Plum
A bunch of rice
Almond Butter (mixed in rice)
Yes, I do eat large night-time snacks.
That was day one of being milk and mold free. My goal tomorrow is to avoid sugar drops and nausea and general yucky feelings (thanks to Almond Butter).
And, Mom is home. My dad and sisters will keep living it up in the camper, and Mom came home to rest, which is exactly what she needs. She has a quiet house, some medicine, and a bunch of prayers going up for her. She is so loving and giving, and I'm so thankful she was able to set everything else aside and let others care for themselves and just go rest.

Allergies. Wait...What?

I've never been that person with the allergies. I grew up hearing other people say things about their allergies. "Oh my runny nose...it's my allergies." "I have a headache...it's allergies."

Oh my. Everyone and their problems. They're so exotic. They have something going on in their life. They aren't <em>normal</em>.

And I was so normal. So boringly, desperately normal.

It went far beyond the allergies thing.

My friends had glasses. <em>I always wanted those.</em> My friends got leg cramps. <em>What did those even feel like? </em>My friends had hurts and pains in their life, people they missed, things that made them sad. <em>What was it like to have all that happen, and to be able to feel something about it all? </em>

Does any of that sounds messed up? Imagine how messed up it <em>felt</em>.

I've heard that people who experience trauma tend to try to re-create trauma in their life afterward. It's like their brains don't know how to function without it. I definitely experienced trauma as a kid, and it left me somewhat emotionally dead. I think I was partly searching for something to feel emotions about, and partly unknowingly trying to create some trauma in my life. I'm not an expert, so I can't say for sure, but it seems to make sense. I had gone from an unsafe, scary, traumatic situation, to a safe, loving environment - which eventually translated to me as boring.

Yes, I was also bored with life. I wanted something to happen.

(Don't let my past tense writing fool you - I'd still love for something exciting to happen. But I'm a little more wary of that excitement now. I just don't have time for that. Ain't nobody...)

So, the past few years, stuff has happened. To me. And my health. Well, there's some excitement.

But not really.

To be perfectly honest (disgustingly honest), yes, I feed on things happening. So I didn't mind, from that aspect, at least, when I started getting sick. My twisted childhood dream was coming true! (Oh, help me escape my own craziness. Puh-leeez.)

Because I didn't mind having to deal with my issues, I didn't really deal with them perfectly. I spent years worrying that I was just 'making it up' or that I was a hypochondriac. Hypochondria was even implied to me by people in my life. Ouch.

At that point, being sick wasn't fun anymore. I will never forget the day that I sat across the table from someone I love and respect, and was basically asked if maybe I was making to big of a deal out of it all. Oh my goodness, was I? I knew how messed up I can be, feeding off of hardship, looking for things to happen...Was I just convincing myself that I had a problem and I was really absolutely normal?

It was both confusing and painful. It hurt to know that even people close to me, who watched everything happen, could think I was maybe just two steps away from being a drama queen.

I've spent a year adjusting how I eat, trying gluten free, dairy free, etc. Desperately trying to feel better. But I was still going through cycles of exhaustion, pain, moods out of control, mixed with times of feeling almost well.

I'd been diagnosed with Acid Reflux, Hypothryoid, and Hypoglycemia already. Never took the acid reflux thing seriously, though. The others I took seriously. Pop a pill every day for the thyroid, and the hypoglycemia...well, on bad days I have to eat every hour and a half. On good days I can go a few hours without eating and be fine.  That one runs in our family, so I come by it honestly.

I finally went and got tested for the gluten thing, though. I was curious about peanuts and milk, too.

So I laid on a table and they poked me with 99 toothpicks.

"Sorry I'm so jumpy."

The nurse didn't take that. "You're doing better than most people."

I felt and itching within minutes. The nurse came back in. "Dust mites."

What? Me, a dust allergy? I'm here to check for a gluten sensitivity! I have stomach trouble, not breathing trouble! This must be a hoax. So the doctor comes in and gives me twenty shots on my arms  just below the surface of the skin.

"Just a few minutes."

And then...

"Huge reaction to dust....Dust can affect your gut."

HUH. Learn something new every day. Or you're lying to me. My sister told me no, they aren't making it up. It's probably legit. (And now, 9 hours later, I can still pick out that spot on my back that was the "dust mite prick" - it's not happy; my medically trained friend would say it's yelling at me.)

So he gives ways to help with eliminating dust.

Then he tells me to go two weeks without eating any dairy. Ok, that's reasonable. But then...Mold. Don't eat mold. Ooook. Done.

No...don't eat mushrooms, cantaloupe, cheese, apple cider vinegar (but I need that stuff! It's a miracle worker for my stomach), and a host of other stuff...even sausage.

Oh my word. it's a good thing I like salad. And apples. I can't even eat strawberries or blueberries. Oh, my life, my life...Is gone.

NO ICE CREAM!!! My life is completely gone.

Ok, in all seriousness, I am actually excited. Not because of my old twisted "I want something to be wrong with me, too!" I'm excited because I wasn't crazy. There was something going on. There is, and there may be ways to stop it so I can get better and be "that person with something wrong" anymore. We could figure this out, and it can be over.

He's checking for celiac/gluten problems, too, but I won't know the results of that for a couple days.

So for tonight, I'm saying goodbye to my favorite comfort food - ice cream. So yummy. So comforting. So out of my life for two weeks. I'm ready for this challenge!